Things I’d like to see in the year ahead
1. Scrapple cheesesteaks — recognized as a health food, packed with vitamins, minerals, proteins, and better for you than string bean casserole.
2. The end of false gluten-free advertising labels on products that never contained gluten in the first place. Like, for instance, gluten-free, pure oatmeal. Gluten is in wheat, not oats, so stop it. There’s even gluten-free water on the market. Here’s a tip: the distillation process makes whiskey gluten-free. See? It’s a health food, too. Hooray!
3. People reading something that’s not on their phone screens. I don’t care if it’s the ingredients on the back of an oatmeal box, it’s better than staring down at your phone. Besides, reading an oatmeal box while driving is easier for the police to spot.
4. Term limits. You think we’d be in this mess if national office-holders weren’t trying to get reelected?
5. Non-threatening weather reports. “A huge snowstorm is moving across the country and it’s OK, because this is winter. A thousand snowplow drivers will be affected and they’ll like it, because they’re getting overtime.”
6. Less profanity. Not because it offends me, but because so many people are using it these days that it takes the oomph out of these words when I use them. “Hey, will someone answer the ———— phone around this place?” “Sure, boss. ‘Hello, this is ———— Ocean City Today, how may I help you?’”
7. Standardized gas pump keyboard functions. So, I put my card in here and press this button…” “Sorry, remove your card and try again.” Ok, where the hell is ‘Enter’ anyway? “Please remove your card and try again.” Fine. You want me to press enter? Ok, how about I punch every ———— key and see what happens. Bang-bang-bam-punch-blam-wham!” “Please insert your ———— rewards card ...” Grrrr.
8. Scratch and sniff lottery tickets — “It Stinks to Lose!”
9. Fire Werks, a new car event — Thousands of enthusiasts come to town in Volkswagens and other small cars and we set them all on fire.
10. A federal ban on string bean casserole. Millions of people love this mushroom soup-string bean conglomerate, which proves that majority rule is overrated. It’s drywall mud with vegetables.
11. A tolerable new year. Given the way things were going in 2019, I’ll settle for that in 2020.