The Public Eye

printed 10/23/20

Conspiracy theories, like myths, are developed to explain the inexplicable.

For instance, let’s say there’s someone you really don’t like, but don’t quite know why that is. It’s just something.

Here’s your conspiracy theory solution: That individual, who appears to be a normal human being in every respect, is actually just disguised as a human, and is one of the thousands of Lizard People who inhabit the earth.

Want to know what, besides catbirds, squirrels and hornworms were poking holes in your tomatoes this past summer? Lizard People!

It’s true. Those skinky, scaly so-and-sos steal up in the dark of night and take little bites out of your tomatoes, just to let you know they’re here … and waiting ... waiting for the day, that is, when they arise and take over the planet.

Here’s the thing. I did not make this up. There is a Lizard People, or Lizard Persons, conspiracy theory out there, and it’s accepted by more people than you think.

Here’s an excerpt from a 2015 vox.com article:

“Last November, the political fate of America was once again put to a vote. But for the millions of Americans who believe in lizard people, this vote had bigger implications — like thwarting an ongoing plot of world domination.

“The idea of shape-shifting lizards taking human forms in a plot to rule America and the world has become one of the most majestic and marvelous conspiracy theories created by mankind (or lizardkind, if you will).”

And you thought I was crazy for coming up with the tomato-eating Lizard People scenario. Just last week, a Washington Post story on how conspiracy theories are breaking up families included comments from a Florida firefighter who split with his wife because she insisted that many celebrities and politicians were Lizard People. On the other hand, she may have a point, now that I think about it.

But also consider this: data collected a few years back by the highly reputable polling firm Public Policy indicated that up to 12 million Americans either believe in or are open to the possibility that Lizard People are walking among us. Yet to be determined, however, are their political affiliations.

And here we are so concerned that our major political parties might fiddle with the general election vote, when the real threat to democracy could be illegal space aliens flying in from Planet X. Walls will not keep them out.

For the record, I’m not buying the Lizard People notion. This is despite a moment of speculation that arose when I stared in the mirror one morning after a highly entertaining pre-covid night out. The eyes looking back at me appeared to click sideways. I swear.

“Oh no!” I cried out. “I’ve been infected by the Lizard People! My eyes are blinking sideways!”

“Well,” said my marital associate, who came to check on my well-being, “If you’d look up into the mirror instead of resting your head on the sink, I’m sure you’ll find that things are as they blinking should be.”

Now, about the Lithuanian Mole Men eating our mail-in ballots, I’m checking it out before I commit.

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