The Public Eye

printed 07/01/2022

Four days from now, after the holiday has passed, we will be reminded that the human race has not advanced as much as we’d like to think.

That’s because for every technological breakthrough, every miracle cure and every amazing scientific discovery we hear about, there is someone somewhere ready to bring us back to reality by launching a bottle rocket from his rear-end and posting it on Youtube.

I use the male pronoun here rather than something non-gender-specific because it appears that it’s always males who feel the need to answer the burning question: “is fire hot?”

My prediction, as the Fourth of July holiday approaches, is that by the end of the day on July 5, a headline will be published somewhere that says:

‘Man injured after firing

bottle rocket from butt’

Let’s reflect on that for a minute. First of all, the idiocy of the actual event notwithstanding, this is an example of bad headline writing. In particular, I object to the use of the word “butt,” as it demonstrates a lack of creativity and poor language skills on the part of the headline writer.

There are so many other ways to say the same thing with a little more panache, providing you are a headline-writing wizard like ... me, for instance:

Hot-crossed bum results

from bottle rocket blast


Fire co. de-lights derriere

after bottle rocket launch


Caboose goes kaboom

in rear rocket lift-off

But no matter how you might write the headline, the disheartening implication is that we aren’t as smart as we think we are as a species, thanks to a significant segment of the population that prides itself on belonging to the doofus brigade.

For those who have difficulty sorting out regular folks from the doofuses — or doofi if that sounds more formal — they frequently give themselves away by saying, “Hey, watch this!” just before engaging in some bizarre attempt to demonstrate their belief that human intelligence is overrated.

If you think I’m kidding about the bottle rocket business, look it up on the internet and you will find a long list of individuals from around the world who apparently believed that the rocket’s red glare and the shower of sparks were just lighting effects that would leave no scorch on the old back porch.

I never could figure out why this seems to happen regularly, considering that there are so many other ways in life to be a flaming ....... without engaging in posterior pyrotechnics.

But mark my words, they’ll be out there this holiday, proving once again that the human race is not what it’s cracked up to be. To put it another way, there’ll be some smoked hams come the weekend, which also proves that ignorance is not always bliss. Sometimes it’s blistered.

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