The Public Eye

printed 06/25/2021

Among the many shortages we’re dealing with in this post-pandemic world — hotdogs, homes, cars, chicken wings and chlorine for the pool to name a few — we also seem to be dealing with a short supply of material for bathing suit bottoms.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it certainly seems to me that nearly every relatively youngish female here at the beach has swapped out her pre-pandemic bikini for a post-pandemic bi-teeny-tiny, the manufacturers of which ran out of cloth just before getting to the backside.

I’m not necessarily complaining about this generational shift in women’s beachwear, and my age isn’t really a factor, although I do remember the days when “mooning” people was sort of shocking. Now it’s fashionable.

And I don’t mean just skimpy bottoms. It’s gotten so I’ll step outside the office and colon health comes to mind. To put it another way, if these suits were made to resemble the American flag, these people would be wearing “the star and stripe,” having excised from the suits’ bottoms 49 states and 12 colonies.

In one respect, I say good for these confident souls who can pull off this latest surge in beachwear fashion. If nothing else, we now know what has happened to all those unused facemasks that companies have stockpiled over the past few months. They’ve been repurposed and re-positioned to a lower target area.

Still not everyone can get away with this kind of exposure. I’m hardly one to judge, but I suspect that wearing a banjo-string thong isn’t going to make the right statement if you need casters attached to certain other areas after a really long day.

But as I say, I can’t and don’t judge people if they want to support the police by wearing the Thin Blue Line, or have untied the yellow ribbon from the old oak tree and given it employment elsewhere.

As my parents used to tell me, frequently as it happens, I don’t even have a rear-end — “You have two coffee beans tacked on a shingle... hahahaha!” Sure, it’s funny the first time and maybe the second or third, but it’s not all that much of a knee-slapper when you’re 32 and have just introduced the folks to your wife-to-be.

“Well, there’s one thing you need to know about him .... yada, yada, yada yuk, yuk, yuk.”

Furthermore, the older I get the more my physique becomes thicker at the top while remaining bony everywhere else, kind of like a lollipop lambchop, according to some household observers.

So, please do not take all the above as some sort of sexist criticism or complaint or having fun at the expense of others. It’s just an observation about the changing times and attitudes.

Besides, criticism and bikini bottoms do have one thing in common: these days, they’re wearing a little thin.

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