The Public Eye

printed 06/28/2019

Although many people believe that we become more easily confused in our later years, that is not the case.

We’re just not paying attention. That’s because older folks woke up one day and realized that half of what they thought they knew was a big fat lie, and the other half came from people who didn’t know what they were talking about, but it sounded reasonable at the time.

Remember that business of “it’s going on your permanent record” when you were in grade school? A lie.

I have scoured every official repository of documents and other written narratives that I can think of and have yet to find anything filed under my name that says, “1. Went fishing instead of attending a mandatory class function; 2. Took beer on fishing trip.”

When the principal tells you that’s going on your permanent record in the fifth grade, you’re ruined for life, or so you were led to believe.

“Nope, not hiring him. I don’t care if he is 35 years old, look at what it says on his permanent record.”

Just kidding. I didn’t do that in fifth grade, and regardless of when I did or didn’t do it, that beer wasn’t mine — I was just keeping it for a friend. I swear it.

And as for people not knowing what they’re talking about, I have a friend who swears by a vitamin supplement that’s good for “brain health.”

How can this be? It’s not like you ingest some pill that then breaks into little particles and knows just where to go to get your brain to drop down and do 50 pushups.

In the meantime, what are the rest of you supposed to do if your brain is huffing and puffing … “43, 44, 45, 46 ...”

“Oh, I can’t talk to you just now. My brain is … 47, 48, 49, 50! … now what was that you were saying?”

Considering that pill peddlers make supplements for just about every other physical feature, brain health had to be next on the agenda. Personally, I’m concerned about ear lobe health, as hangy-down ear lobes run in the family.

In fact, I had an uncle who used them as epaulets on his shoulders in his later years.

Of course, I could be lying, or not knowing what I’m talking about, which older people can get away with more easily.

One, it’s not going on our permanent record, because we now know that doesn’t exist, and two, even if we don’t know what we’re talking about, we get a free pass because other people will think we’re just confused.

Of course, anyone who says we are is either lying or doesn’t know what he or she is talking about.

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