If, as experts are saying, our movements, shopping habits, internet clicks and phone calls are being tracked so giant companies can build marketing profiles on each of us, I want to establish for the record that I am not in the market for the exciting new Cooling Bra Pro.
I don’t care if it is the “Bra that is here to revolutionize the market,” or that it will “Improve Your Posture” and “Optimize Support,” I am not buying one.
So, please, whoever is compiling my marketing profile, correct your information to show that I will not place my “order now and get 50 percent off.”
I don’t know why, but my email has been alerting me almost daily to this amazing new development that “will show off a heart-stopping neckline.”
This has been going on for the past couple of months, even though I already have a heart-stopping neckline, courtesy of gravity.
Let me say this about that: gravity is not your friend, mostly because, unlike the Cooling Bra Pro, it does not have a “Push-Up Function.”
If gravity did have such a thing, we could jump into space on our own and people like Jeff Bezos would not be able to charge a half-million dollars for a 63-mile, 11-minute trip to ... up. As far as I know, that’s where his rocket went on its maiden flight in July.
“So, Mr. Bezos, where will your spaceship take me?”
Most notably, his New Shepard rocket that put the capsule in space does perform like the Cooling Bra Pro in that they both lift and separate.
Anyway, I have to admit that one aspect of this email intrigues me: it promises to relieve “Spanish Aches and Pains.”
Not knowing much about bra wearing and having no plans to learn — despite a few caustic observations at home referencing certain aspects of the aging process — I have no idea what “Spanish Aches and Pains” are.
For all I know, they could be a reference to a condition that afflicts Spanish women exclusively. Therefore, they would provide no help for women who experience Italian, English, Greek, Swiss, Russian or Chinese aches and pains.
On the other hand, this might refer to the understandable discomfort of having to carry a Spaniard on your shoulders all day, thus causing you to look forward to getting home, where you could slip off your Spaniard and relax. I just don’t know.
What I do know, though, is that I am not this company’s bra customer, no matter what the marketing profile says. Sure, I looked at certain Sears catalogue pages back in the day, as just about every other adolescent male used to do, but I was not shopping. Nor have I ever bought a bra for a friend, since there are many, many reasons why that might not be appreciated.
So, please, take me off the emailing list, and leave me to the daily flood of propagandist emails about how the country is falling apart because of commie-fascist-Marxist-right-wing, left-wing destroyers of U.S. society. I at least understand where they’re coming from. Besides, I don’t even know what my bra size is.