The Public Eye

printed 09/18/2020

It was probably nothing more than your normal, everyday government whoopsee of a mistake, but it is interesting that the Postal Service has sent us erroneous advice on how to vote by mail.

The procedures seem right enough, except for the message’s line that tells us we can request our ballots five days after this state says we should.

No wonder I’ve been waiting all this time for something I ordered. The Postal Service has switched to the lunar calendar, because it has fewer days and, thus, a big payroll savings.

That would also explain why I’ve been waiting several weeks for my Sea Urchin Extract Memory Booster Supplement to arrive: the Postal Service not only ran out of days to deliver, but management decided that mail dropped off on a day that no longer exists doesn’t have to be delivered.

That makes perfect sense to me. I mean, if it costs $10 to deliver two letters, for instance, why not save $5 — and get an energy credit — by using one letter to light the coal stove in the sorting room and delivering the surviving piece only? That’s half the work at half the cost, plus savings on the heating bill.

On the other hand, it could be that the administrative people figure if they hold my Sea Urchin Extract Memory Booster Supplement long enough, I’ll forget I even ordered it.

They would be wrong, of course, since I still have the email receipt from Dr. Richard Lumplestiltskin, whose alert, “Amazing New Memory Booster Shocks Medical World!” also guaranteed me free, fast delivery from his lab in Tibet. At least, I think it’s Tibet. I’m having a little trouble remembering at this point, because …

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I was complaining about what they’re doing to my mail service, which, as far as I know, still brings in more revenue than, say, the Social Security Administration, which produces zip of its own.

In fact, if I were president — and these days I can’t think of one reason why I shouldn’t be — I could save the country vaults of money by eliminating the Social Security Administration altogether and allowing us to write our own checks. I’m sure we can be trusted to do the right thing.

Besides who said the post office had to make money? Does the Federal Aviation Administration show a profit? Personally, I think we ought to privatize Congress and allow it to sell shares, which would be a cleaner and more open way of paying these slackers than having members going around begging for handouts.

Now, what was my point again? That’s it, the Postal Service, which said we could request our mail-in ballots as late as 15 days before election day. Unfortunately, that’s after the state elections board says people should send in their requests to be sure the office will receive them by Oct. 20, which is — ta-da! — 15 days before election day.

I’m sure it’s an honest mistake. But in the meantime, unless I get my Sea Urchin Extract Miracle Ear … no, that’s not it … Sea Urchin Colon Health? No, ummm, Urchins ….

Just forget it. I can’t remember.

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