This just in ...
For all the covid-19 deniers who are preparing to line up for vaccines, even though they know there’s no reason whatsoever to do so, this exciting news has just surfaced:
Reliable insiders involved in the medical research world have revealed that the pharmaceutical firm, Fold, Spindle & Manipulate LLC, headquartered at Box 2871A, Grand Cayman Island, c/o Offshore Account, is about to release its highly effective Hoax Vaccine.
Designed specifically for people who don’t deserve a vaccine, considering all their angry arguments about why vaccines shouldn’t be needed in the first place, the new Hoax Vaccine is guaranteed to look like a vaccine, feel like a vaccine and maybe even smell like a vaccine, but is nevertheless guaranteed not to protect deniers from any strain of the nothing that’s been making the rounds since the early months of the year.
Company officials, who choose to remain unidentified for IRS and other legal purposes, said extensive testing has returned “Amazing Results or Your Money Back,” and that the required double-dose of Hoax is 100 percent ineffective at doing anything for recipients who don’t believe they need it anyway.
The side effects of being Hoax vaccinated for that which does not exist appear to be minimal.
Obviously, this is an exciting breakthrough for the millions of people here and elsewhere who will punch you in the nose if you suggest there’s a slight possibility, they could be wrong.
“No, the coronavirus is not what causes good Mexican beer to go bad.”
“No, we did not make up all this covid business to drive up ratings for C-Span, Ghosthunters and Real Housewives of Topeka while you’re were on lockdown.”
“No, 7.4 billion of the 7.8 billion people on the planet do not greet each other with a secret handshake and a double-wink to denote they’re in on the top secret campaign to mess with your head.”
You have to admit, though, that adding the Hoax vaccine to the country’s medical arsenal makes sense from a public health perspective.
In other words, why waste good vaccines on people who argue they don’t need them, but who want them just because … well … they just do?
I say break out the needle, advise them that “You’re going to feel a little pinch,” followed by “Congratulations, thanks to the Hoax vaccine, you’re now fully unprotected, not that you care.”
As they say, what you don’t know can’t hurt you. Unless it does, in which case a Hoax vaccine clinic will soon be available near you.