Just say no to gravity

printed 02/10/2023

I mentioned in our other newspaper, Bayside Gazette, this week that the anti-virus suite on my computer has blocked hundreds of attempts to get into its operating system over the last four years.

Since then, it has occurred to me that I should clarify that these assaults are not because I have used my computer for purposes of unsavory entertainment, shall we say.

Absolutely not and that is a fact. I know because I always use the classified department computer for that sort of thing, even though it can make for an interesting back-to-work Monday morning.

“Oooooooo. Someone wants to place a classified ad for ... WHAT?”

Just kidding. I wouldn’t do that because I like remaining employed. I use the reporters’ computers instead.

Just kidding again. As far as I know, our computers have never toured the worldwide wicked web. Still, we do get bombarded with email from all sorts of sites and people, including the semi-annual alert that “Estonian Girls Are Waiting For You.” I bet they are.

Anyway, because we do have a heavily visited web site of our own and because we are a newspaper, we get inundated with all kinds of strange email, a good portion of which appears to have been produced by a person or persons whose pots are definitely cracked.

There was a seemingly legitimate one this past week, however, that I did open out of curiosity. That would be the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine, an organization that is dedicated, apparently, to helping people not get old. Good luck with that.

Nevertheless, as a Baby Boomer, I am familiar with the anti-aging concept and can say that I’ve worked hard at remaining immature for as long as possible.

Signs that my efforts are paying off are abundant at my house, where many of the jokes I’ll tell (for the 45th time or so) will be met with a derisive “Ha-ha, what are you, 12?”

But seriously, it seems to me that being anti-aging is like being opposed to gravity. Some things just are and nothing can be done about it.

Still, I can easily see a strong upside of no aging and no gravity. For one thing, I wouldn’t have to staple my pants to my shirttail to keep them from dropping below the equator.

Now that I think about it, maybe this anti-aging group could help in this regard by joining an anti-gravity group to create the jointly operated American Academy of Keeping Your Pants Up.

I’m certain if such development did succeed in suspending the laws of nature, thereby resulting in everything being kept on the up-and-up, that the joy expressed by many long-suffering men would be bottomless.

Not that this would have any effect on the Estonian Girls Waiting for You, or so I suspect.

I’ll never know for sure and have no intention of trying to find out, because if I were to try and got caught, I’m pretty sure I know of one aspect that would be in a gravity- and age-defying sling.