Public Eye

printed 10/19/2018

I don’t know about anyone else, but every time I call the bank and say, “I’m going to bring in less money and see what happens,” I also say, “Look, I don’t have time to tally up what I owe, so you’ll have to cover any differences until I figure this thing out.”

Curiously, the response has always been along the lines of, “You better go get your oxygen levels checked, bud. Thanks for calling.”

That’s why I’m a little confused about this growing national debt business following the big federal tax cut passed last year. According to Sen. Mitch McConnell, the drop in revenue isn’t the problem, it’s that someone forgot to go through the bills first.

Apparently, someone missed the note on the budget office refrigerator that says, “When it comes to bills, we’re already in deep due due.”

With Congress so divided, we’re going to be stuck between Tax-and-Spend Democrats and Tax Cut-and-Spend Republicans unless we find another way to bring in money.

And the good news is there is a way. My email indicates there are plenty of people willing to give us lots of cash if we can just help them out of a little jam here and there.

Just last week, Mrs. Esther Martos Aguilera, of Buenos Aires, told me via email that she’d be happy to give me $5 million of the $10 million she received from her late uncle, who, sadly, drove off a cliff without a will, thereby presenting something of a legal problem. She said she’d transfer it all to my account if I held half of it for her, assuming she is freed from prison soon. If not, well, them’s the breaks.

There’s also Fr. Peter Mboutu, of Kenya, who said he has $20 million in church money squirreled away that he can’t get to at the moment because he’s on the run for reasons to be specified later. I get half again for my help, as long as I use the other half to help finance an elephant orphanage outside Nairobi. Even better, I get to visit whenever I want.

The list goes on and on — Sir Chauncey Beauregard, of London, $15.7 million (a tax matter); Miskit Tsleskish, of Somewhereistan (I can’t remember exactly) $21 million; and Senoto Rootytootyalrootie, of an undisclosed location, who admittedly has had problems with the law, but is now reformed and needs assistance converting diamonds to cash.

I know it sounds too good to be true, but I know it is, because each one of these excellent people swear — swear, I tell you — they were directed to my email address by Divine Guidance.

I did wonder briefly why Divine Guidance didn’t go the more efficient route of giving them my email address and my bank account routing number at the same time. But hey, who am I to argue?

Here’s the thing: if I can raise more than $30 million in just minutes via email, just think how much 535 members of Congress could do. Based on my projected take, if every member of Congress worked with his or her email once a day for the 124 days both houses are in session, they would raise $1.9 trillion dollars. Can you say “problem solved?”

Come to think of it, maybe I should run for Congress one of these years. After all, as you can see from the above, I’m much better at basic math than they are.

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