This explains everything.
I’m referring to the Pentagon’s revelation this week that videos taken by Navy pilots in 2004 and 2015 really are recordings of Unexplained Aerial Phenomenon in our skies.
So now, when we have reached a point where nothing makes any sense, we know why: we have been and continued to be secretly ruled by aliens.
Obviously, Trump has been worrying about the wrong aliens all this time. Instead of focusing on the southwest, he should have gone to Congress for funding to build not a wall, but a space shield between us and Alpha Centauri. Not that it would have mattered, because it’s way too late for that: we have been taken over by the Pod People and didn’t even know it.
We realize now that the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” in which the Pod People debuted in 1956 and then reappeared in several remakes, was not an unsettling piece of fiction at all, but a documentary shot by someone who, as is always the case with Pod People invasions, is no longer with us to explain how he or she got the footage.
If you think I’m wrong and are skeptical of the existence of Pod People, I offer two strong pieces of evidence, the first of which are these Navy films. Clearly, someone or something was here that did not file a flight plan. Secondly, why do you think they call them Podcasts? Or iPods? Or Storage Pods?
Well, that’s exactly what these latter pods are for: they harbor the extraterrestrials until they can take over a human body, which is then discarded as inferior, presumably along with Windows 8, tape cassettes, and fondue.
And iPods? It makes complete sense now that the reason Apple Inc. was so far ahead of its computer-code writing competitors in those earlier years is that Steve Jobs was not from this planet. Interestingly, Elon Musk, Strange-Dude-in-Chief of Tesla, just seems like an alien, while Justin Bieber ... oh come on, we’ve all known for a long time.
And Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg? Has anyone ever actually seen him blink? I did just one time: his eyelids closed sideways.
Fans of the fact-based television show “Ancient Aliens” will read this and go, “Yep, u-huh, tell it like it is, brother,” because they have been tuned into the truth for years.
I mean just think about how our society has changed over the last several decades. At one time, for instance, this country’s favorite condiment was ketchup, Heinz 57, in fact. Now? It’s salsa. What does that tell you?
Further, if you asked your grandparents if they could imagine gathering around the television to watch “My 600-Pound Life,” they would call you nuts. The truth is the stars are Pod People, multi-family occupancy.
Politically speaking, the Pod People have been in charge for decades. Look at Sen. Mitch McConnell. Any questions?
The continuing uproar over disinformation campaigns, nut-job conspiracy theories, the unstoppable spread of surveillance, paralyzing political discord and, yes, the invention of Almond Milk, are the products of one thing: Pod People aliens. Thank you, U.S. Navy, for revealing the truth, because some of us were having a tough time believing that we were really that crazy. Now we know, it’s not us at all. Oh, and this fascination with taking Selfies everywhere, apparently to prove your own existence? Alien all the way.