The Public Eye

(Printed 10/11/19) 

Having been told many times over the years, “I guess you have all the answers,” I have finally accepted that it must be true.

It began in childhood, when, as I recall, an elementary school teacher looked at me and then said, “We now have the ability to send a rocket to the moon. The problem is we don’t know yet how to get it back. Any suggestions, young Mr. Dobson?”

“Yes, put it in reverse.”

“I guess you have all the answers, don’t you?” she said before writing a quick note that said, I later discovered, “must talk to parents.”

A similar incident occurred in high school in a class called Problems of Democracy (don’t get me going) when the new-to-school teacher asked me the cause of the global population boom.”

“Would that be singles bars, sir?”

“I’ve heard about you,” he said. “You have all the ...”

Now, in my later years, I have come to embrace this gift of having all the answers, which leads me to this week’s inquiry  from a reader: where does Spam come from?

Admittedly, I had to do some research on this because of the obvious secrecy with which Spam is produced.

It turns out, though, that the source of this  kitchen pantry staple is a small furry creature known as the spamster.

Little is known about the spamster, except that it is native to the Hawaiian Islands, which explains why they even put it on pizza there.

Each fall, thousands of free range spamsters are rounded up by spamboys, who then drive the herd up the old Chilsom Habitrail to be sold at auction.

I swear this is true, according to various sources on social media, which, as we all know, are always to be believed.

Besides, as you can see below, I have one of the few known photographs of an actual spamster in the wild.

Incidentally, if you’re wondering why this news hasn’t come out before and that Spam isn’t a pork product as we’ve been led to believe, it’s the same reason you never see a picture of that popular menu item, monkfish. If you knew what it really looked like, you wouldn’t eat it.

Next week, we’ll explore the amazing world of the telephant, whose mating call can be heard long distance.

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