My original intention was to offer some observations on the massage parlor prostitution bust that netted New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft on a solicitation charge in Florida.
Then, I decided against doing that, because the temptation to employ various football terms in my description of certain events was too great and I’d just get myself in trouble.
For instance, if I were to write anything, I would have to nix the use of football words and terms that might be misconstrued or otherwise found inappropriate by our more refined readers.
Consequently, I had to strike from my list of football-oriented metaphors the following: handoff, naked reverse, score, scored or scoring, end-around, going long, backfield-in-motion, bump-and-run, illegal holding, incomplete pass, or play-action.
With those words stripped from my playbook, however, I found myself with little to say, except that I’m willing to bet that if Kraft was on the premises at the time of the raid, it wouldn’t have been a football that was deflated.
See? I’m already getting close to being called for going out of bounds and I haven’t really even started.
I would like to offer the observation, though, that if someone at such a disreputaable place were to be interrupted while calling for, say, special teams play, that might be considered interefering with someone making a pass, thus providing the aggreived party with four more opportunities.
But there I go again, when my intention was and is not to indulge in sophomoric, low-brow attempts at being amusing.
Still, most people would admit that it would be funny to say this joint had so many old men in it that the two-minute warning was a regular occurrence. Or that they were so old they needed someone to manage their equipment.
And naturally, I’m not even going to get into the possibility of anyone calling out audibles during the course of play.
I do find it curious though that a man like Kraft, who’s worth more than $6 billion, couldn’t round up his own travel squad instead of having to drop down a league.
But again, I really can’t write about that without offending any number of people who will see no humor at all in a situation involving an elderly man who just happened to drop in for a little play option.
Except that it’s the New England Patriots, for crying out loud.
I mean if it was the owner of the Arizona Cardinals, who finished dead last in the league last year, you would get it if he were to be spotted mingling with the fans, so to speak, in Hermione’s House of Harmony and Hot Burritos down off Interstate 10.
You’d say, “Yeah, well, that guy deserves a break.”
But Robert Kraft getting caught in the Red Zone? Well, I’m just not going to write about it. It isn’t funny, although some people would say that it’s one fumble that won’t be recovered.