The Public Eye

printed 04/22/2022

What a relief! It turns out that all our troubles, or at least a substantial share of them, are the result of a Low-T epidemic that’s really hitting American men below the belt.

What’s more, this problem can be solved easily by having men shine a red light on their ... um ... on their less-than-dynamic duo.

That’s what noted scientific expert Tucker Carlson has been telling his viewers: that red light therapy applied to the right location will reverse the documented downward trend of testosterone in men around the world.

That downward trend part is true, according to various honest-to-goodness scientific studies that — I don’t know — use a dipstick or something to determine whether we men are due for refill.

I’m still somewhat skeptical, though, especially considering that it took me a while to understand that testosterone was not some kind of Italian soup.

“Say,” I asked my father when I was a kid, “is test-tos-ter-on-ee kind of like minestrone?”

After he wrapped up his choking episode, he explained to me that the former was a hormone that, in too great a measure, would cause men to punch each other in the nose for the sport of it, and in too little of a measure would cause men to make up for it by buying fast boats.

Anyway, red light therapy is an actual thing, and is believed to help skin heal itself more quickly.

How it is administered beats me, although I would assume that it’s best done by professionals and falls into the “do not try this at home” category.

Being aware of the story of the professional baseball player who tried to iron his shirt while he was wearing it (See John Smoltz, who says it’s a big fat lie) you just know there’s a guy somewhere who’s going to do something stupid.

“So,” says the emergency room nurse, “tell me what the problem is.”

“Well,” begins the idiot, “I have this high-powered Tac Light and ...”

“HOLY COW! Hey, everyone you’ve gotta come over and see this!”

Actual scientists say one reason for the dip in T could be that men aren’t as physically active as they once were and spend more time sitting around in front of the TV than they do in honest-to-goodness manly pursuits that require them to get off their duffs, get outside and chop wood or something.

In other words, it’s nature’s way of saying if you don’t need the T to fight off the challengers to your domain, it’s going to fade away.

On the other hand, if red light therapy will work on this particular problem, I imagine there’ll be red light districts popping up all over.

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