The Public Eye

printed 06/11/2021

Our fascination with formerly royal couples abides. I’m not sure why, but the fact that Harry, formerly known as Prince, and wife Megan, formerly Markle, are having a baby is HUGE news.

Obviously, people have babies all the time, and that makes me wonder whether people of royal heritage reproduce differently than the rest of us.

Maybe parts are not parts, regardless of what Frank Perdue used to say in his tender chicken TV commercials.

In any case, I have to assume that the intense public interest in royal biological affairs stems from a suspicion that something other than the “Regular Way” of reproduction is involved.

This suggests there are two means of producing kids: the usual, fun, way, and the “Royal Way,” which would explain why their baby business grabs headlines.

Meanwhile, “Regular Way” folks Rachel and Ralph would need to have their baby and auction it off on “Let’s Make a Deal” to draw any notice.

“So, what’s it going to be, Bob? The Baby or what’s behind Door Number 3?”

What I’m saying is there might be a possibility that royal people are born with certain otherwise optional upgrades and royals-only accoutrements.

“Oooooo. What is that?” she asks.

“Oh, that’s the royal backup,” he replies. “We’re not like regular people, see. We’re the deluxe model.”

“Okaaaay, and what’s that for?”

“Cruise control.”

Not being privy to how former and current princes are assembled, I really couldn’t say what the difference might be. It could be something simple.

“Hmmm, it says here in the Royal Manual that we start with the secret handshake.”

And then, after we get over the shock that this otherwise unemployed couple has one in the oven, we are hit with the revelation that they are — hold on to your hats — going to name it!

Well, isn’t that something? And all this time I thought this child wouldn’t have a name, and that it would forever be known as Babystiltskin or Prince Baby.

But no, they have really thrown us a curve here, by selecting and announcing a name for their kid, and then going on to explain the background of this nom de baby, what it means and ... whatever.

In the meantime, poor “Regular Way” Rachel and Ralph pick a name, tell their parents, they say, “Really?,” the kid becomes a teenager, suddenly hates the name and the parents, adults in general, and changes the name on reaching age 21. And then has a kid and names it the same thing for sentimental reasons.

Here’s what really gets me: the Formerly Known as Prince family left the home country partially because they didn’t like all the coverage, so they come here and get all the coverage. It doesn’t make sense. On the other hand, as we are now well aware, it’s not as if they do things the regular way.

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