The Public Eye

(May 25, 2018) Thank goodness for royal weddings.

They give us something to watch when we’re sick of the news, annoyed by the shopping networks, disinterested in programs on flawed plastic surgery and people with lips the size of sleep sofas, and can’t bring ourselves to watch the Orioles when they’re down 13 runs in the first and Chris Davis comes to the plate carrying a batting average substantially lower than the simmer setting on a crockpot.

I say all this with great sarcasm, of course, because I cannot understand why people are so fascinated by British royalty when it has no connection to us.

It isn’t like the Declaration of Independence says:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal ... except for the royals, who are just so cool.”

This is even though, I will admit, that the marital choices these two princes have made suggest that their on-base percentages are well above average.

That aside, the American public must have a deep affection for all the pomp and circumstance, considering that every network — barring those channels that involve shopping, sports, home repair, liposuction or sliposuction — carried nothing but the royal wedding for hours and hours.

I’m happy to say that I watched none of it. It wasn’t because this fairest of couples aren't nice people or that they don’t come from good families and all that, but the broadcasts are so similar to the extended coverage of the Triple Crown races.

In these instances, we get four hours of pre-race interviews with everyone even near the stable of horses, from the front end to the back end:

So, Mr. Jones, on a typical day of stall cleaning, what kind of production are we talking about? … Really? … Wow, when it comes to digestive health, I guess they don’t call them hay-burners for nothing! Back to you, Bob.”

Fours hours lead time just to get to a race that takes barely more than two minutes seems a little excessive to me.

At least with the race itself there is the added excitement of the race caller.

This has led me to believe that the royal wedding might have been livened up a bit if, when Meghan Markle flowed into the church, someone called out, “And down the stretch she comes!”

For that matter, I don’t see why they can’t cover all these televised weddings the same way they do sporting events.

The queen has taken her practice swings, leaves the on-deck circle and comes to the plate … a little slowly, it appears. I don’t know, Vern, it looks like she might have pulled a hammy. Let’s go to the tape and see if we can spot it. Yep, there it is, getting out of the carriage. Wow, tough break for the Royals.

I’d watch that. Now that I think about it, it also would be highly entertaining if, in describing the ceremony itself, the announcer said:

The prince looks at his bride, he takes her hand, shows her the ring, slips it on and ... she scores!

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