The Public Eye

printed 03/20/2020

I don’t know what people are thinking about this coronavirus business, but judging from the huge run on toilet paper last week, I have a good idea of how they expect to spend their spare time.

It’s a respiratory disease, folks, so unless you’re breathing through a different portal, which would make you a cinch to win television’s “America’s Got Talent,” you’re going about this the wrong, upside-down way.

Let me retract some of that. Were one to appear on “America’s Got Talent” and attempt this feat, I suspect the audience would not so much boo as it would “Eeeeewwww!” you right off the stage. Give you the bum’s rush, so to speak.

Nevertheless, anyone who has ventured into any grocery or department store in the last few days is aware of the situation. I saw cars with rolls piled up to the ceiling pull out of parking lots, as I attempted to scrounge up a roll or two for backup at the office.

Even our online office supply company was out, forcing me to take a last chance at Amazon.

Now here’s something interesting. When my search pulled up “Toilet paper,” up popped a couple of icons, under which was a label that said, “New” and “Used.”

That’s 100 percent true, although what someone really meant to say was that this particular brand was “recycled,” from what I do not know. Still …

But no matter, because it wasn’t in stock either, suggesting that someone somewhere decided anything was better than nothing at all. Which reminds me of a suggestion I received yesterday from a friend who reported that a recent edition of an Australian newspaper included eight blank pages, all of them nicely delineated by little dots into columns of a certain width.

Dedicated as I am to single-ply newspapers, I found the strength to resist that possibility and continued scouring Amazon for anything that would get us through the TP drought.

I did finally find something, and it arrives Monday. I’m also positive the staff will be delighted with it, which they should be at $10 and change a roll for this novelty item.

On it, appearing between the big pink hearts and big pink flowers are the words, also in big pink letters, “I Love You From Top To Bottom.”

I know they’ll love it too. But if they don’t, I’m sure someone will want it eventually. After all, it just could be that all this panic buying of toilet paper wasn’t just for its traditional use. The way I see it, many people will agree when I say that once this mess is over, a lot of fans are going to need cleaning.

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