To borrow the lyrics of the late 1970s punk rock song, “I Wanna Be Sedated,” here’s an updated version that more accurately reflects the current mindset of society. Or, at least, my present mindset:
“20, 20, 20, 4, hours to go.
I wanna be vaccinated.
Nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh,
I wanna be vaccinated.”
Clearly, the Ramones, the semi-infamous punk rock pioneers from New York, had some issues when they came out with this in 1976, a year full of travail and trauma.
I know I was certainly knocked for a loop by the codfish wars that year between Iceland and the United Kingdom.
Surely, I couldn’t have been the only one worrying about the unintended consequences for Mrs. Paul and her fishsticks?
As compared to our current circumstances, however, 1976 was a free trip to Disney World.
In addition to everything else going on, it appears that boomers and Gen-Xers are now trying to re-live their childhoods.
What else could explain the sudden popularity of gummy vitamins for adults? Grownups can’t just take a pill, sip a little water and be done with it? Apparently not. They want gummy vitamins, because the pills are so big and scarewee and hurt their wittle fwoats.
Come on, guys, take the pill if you think you actually need a vitamin, which you shouldn’t if you eat right like I do.
Scrapple, for instance, provides 25 percent of your daily Vitamin A requirement. Consequently, you could take a pill or eat eight ounces of scrapple and you’re good to go.
And clams, the perfect food. Those little guys will give you 700 percent — that’s right, 700 percent — of your B12. Even better, Vitamin B12 may, according to one health website, “benefit your body in impressive ways,” such as impressively walking through walls and not taking gummy vitamins.
On the downside, clams are filter feeders and therefore suck up various amounts of fish doo-doo. Still, who among us hasn’t had to take a little doo-doo from time to time to get what we want?
And that brings us to all these worrywarts about their kids missing out on social interactions because of the stay-at-home restrictions.
First of all, the minute you start using “social interaction” instead of “play,” you have a problem. I don’t know what other kind of interaction little kids have these days, but it’s not like they’re having book club discussions.
So suddenly, we’ve changed the entire concept of play. Besides, little kids are adaptable to all sorts of things.
I know, because when I was a little kid, we didn’t have a troop of neighborhood tots running around to play with. No, we had to make do with what we had and were fine with it.
To this day, I can remember my mother saying, “Look, here’s a rock. Now you two go outside and play.”
Yep, you played with rocks, had scrapple on Sundays, and the only thing that was gummy was your little brother. Those were the days.
Today, obviously, is different, and my first order of business is getting vaccinated, which doesn’t come in chewable form. If it does, I’ll just have to deal with it, although having to be sedated could follow.