The Public Eye

printed 05/21/2021

Shortly after the Hebrew prophet Ezekiel looked skyward over Babylon in 592 B.C. and saw a wheel within a wheel, local ne’er-do-well Frank the Philistine quit his day job as a mud mixer for the Tower of Babel Brick Company and launched the first grocery store checkout counter tabloid, The Weekly World (As We Know It) News.

And thus began our centuries of fascination with Things in the Sky We Can’t Explain.

It’s a fact. For the past 2,612 years, we’ve been snapping up everything that even hints at the possibility of visitors from outer space.

My theory on that is it’s because we’d like to think there’s something out there that can explain everything. Like, for instance, why beer tastes better out of a glass bottle than it does a can. Or why my dog used to drink sea water at the beach all the time when he had to know it would exit — rapidly — about three seconds later from the other end. He looked like a cross between an Irish setter and a JetSki.

Anyway, the accounts of witnesses (and onboard visitors) of these UFOs breaks them down into two camps: visitors from space who are “Just looking, thanks,” and the abductor/prober aliens, who talk softly and carry a big stick, or so it has been said.

The good news, so far, is that we have no evidence that any of these supposed alien spacecraft are being operated by beings from Galaxy X who are bent on destroying the planet, or eating us and then destroying the planet, rather than clean up the mess.

But I would say the increasingly frequent appearances of Unidentified Aerial Phenomena, as the government now calls them for reasons unknown, suggests that something is happening that we may not like.

Although the recent “60 Minutes” segment on the federal government coming clean on UFOs, or UAPs, or E-I-E-I-Os (Extra Interesting Evidence of Interstellar Oh ----!) explored what’s happening, everyone remains at a loss to explain why it’s happening or what it might mean.

And that assumes that the government is telling us everything, and that there aren’t any Battle Stars or Galaxy Blasters looking for parking on the edge of our space. Or that they haven’t already sent emissaries to our planet disguised as ordinary funny-looking people. I mean, doesn’t Mitch McConnell look like ET’s father?

Or, for that matter, the skeezy-looking kid I saw the other day driving a Ford 250 Super Duty with twin pipes.

You have to ask yourself, where did a kid get close to 70 grand to buy a truck like that? In my mind, a little guy peeping over the dash in a big truck says he’s either overcompensating for a shortage of some other nature, or he’s a people-eating space lizard trying to blend in.

The truth, however, could be much simpler. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to look up one day and see a sky full of UAPs or UFOs, all blasting out a message.

“Greetings Earthlings. After watching you for close to 3,000 years, we’re staging an intervention before you screw things up more than you already have.”

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