The Public Eye

printed 04/30/2021

At last, amidst all the confusion, the claims and counterclaims, there has emerged a clear and definitive reason why so many people have decided to shrug off the covid-19 vaccine and to take their chances in the pandemical world: fear of being turned into a zombie.

A zombie, as the well-informed know, is a vacant-eyed, slack-jawed, wobbly-walking, semi-deceased individual, who, given his or her druthers, would eat your brain without so much as a kind word.

We know they exist, having encountered the occasional vacant-eyed, slack-jawed, seemingly dead guy in the center of the aisle in the grocery store.

“Excuse me, you’re blocking the aisle.”

“Yurgh! I will eat your brain.”

Nevertheless, the vaccine itself is not the real problem. It’s merely a common-sense follow-up to the covid-test nasal swab, which mad scientists in the government’s employ are using to insert a biological zombie-making agent into the unsuspecting.

The vaccine procedure, on the other hand, merely implants a tracking chip into these zombies-in-waiting so we’ll know where they are before we venture outside and end up having our hat sizes reduced by the mouthful. It was either that or banding them likes birds, with high-tech winning out, as would be expected.

But don’t take my word for this situation — I learned of it on the evening news, which featured a clip of a preacher somewhere down south warning his congregation of the government-sponsored, covid test/vaccine zombie initiative. Yea, verily.

He didn’t go into why government scientists are pursuing this zombie objective, which is somewhat disconcerting, since a zombie apocalypse would have to be bad for the economy, unless, of course, they’re already collecting unemployment.

It is possible, however, that the sponsors of the walking dead endeavor are hoping to boost the supply of cheap labor, given the current shortage, or possibly develop a larger pool of amenable candidates for the 2022 elections.

Another possibility is that a collection of voodoo daddy chemists (GS 13 and up, with good benefits) really are conspiring to turn us into mental toadstools to reduce energy consumption (zombies never, ever drive apparently) and because they find it amusing.

The only thing I do know is that I’ve been tested and vaccinated, and I feel fine, aside from an increasing tendency to become temporarily dead in the recliner. Or so it’s been said.

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