Public Eye

printed 11/16/2018

As the Three Stooges used to say, “wake up and go to sleep.”

That’s where some of us are, apparently, as sleep study experts continue to explore the wild and wonderful world of people who are awake when everyone else isn’t.

Now, they have come up with another suggestion for helping sleep-deprived people like me, who are willing to try anything to achieve the minimum daily requirement of honest-to-goodness nighttime snoozing.

For underdetermined reasons, I never reach maximum snooze level. I’d like to believe it’s because of the massive amounts of physical energy that I possess, although nodding off in the recliner just before Alex Trebek says, “It’s time for Final Jeopardy,” indicates otherwise.

It also has occurred to me that my brain is so active solving complex problems and analyzing the great societal issues that it doesn’t have time to shut down. Then again when the first thought on your mind when you wake up at 2 a.m. is, “I’ll take ‘Ancient Roman Cocktails’ for $1,000, Alex,” chances are your brain hasn’t been putting in much overtime while you were out, however briefly that might have been.

That, unfortunately, leaves people like me to conclude that our issues involve a multitude of circumstances, none of which are readily identifiable, and which may only be solved by trying whatever comes along.

In that respect, it’s not unlike fishing in the bathtub — you are fully aware that it isn’t going to produce anything, but, in a universe of infinite possibilities, it is not impossible that a keeper will shoot up out of the drain someday.

It’s with that in mind that I’m ready to try the newly recommended practice of wearing headphones and listening to music at bedtime.

Researchers say their findings indicate that music affects the brain waves (no matter what Jeopardy category they may be looping around) and brings about greater relaxation.

This would assume, of course, that your choice of music is conducive to that sort of thing, such as Brahms or something, rather than Death Metal or attempting to drift off into a gentle slumber while listening to “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath.

The one problem I have is that I already look like a cross between a deep-sea diver and The Predator when I go to bed, courtesy of the C-Pap I wear to prevent me from not breathing.

For those who aren’t familiar with C-Paps, let me say that they look like forced-air athletic supporters that you wear on your head. Add a pair of headphones to that, and you’ll look like an F-16 pilot, which may help you sleep, but won’t do much for anyone who shares space with you.

But I’m willing to do it. If it bothers anyone else, well, that would be her sleep problem to solve.

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