The Public Eye

printed 06/05/2020

On April 6, 2020, back when the world was a different place with different needs, I ordered 10 rolls of toilet paper.

It was an emergency buy, as crazy people with, apparently, questionable diets plundered every shelf in every store of every sheet ever produced by every manufacturer.

It was bad, real bad. So bad, in fact, that I saw signs that said Cash For Gold Toilet Paper along the roads and highways that I traveled in pointless pursuit of anything that was at least one grade above street-paving material.

But no. This fundamental paper product, this essential of everyday life was nowhere to be found. And that led me to Amazon, where I was greeted with a mosaic of “out of stocks” on every major and even marginally recognized brand of TP. Except for one: AmericanHomeLifeUSA’s Best Two-Ply Super Soft Bathroom Tissue for the Family.

Ten rolls for $28 and I ordered it. Again, that was on April 6, 2020. As of this writing, it is June 4, 2020 and my AmericanHomeLifeUSA’s Best Two-Ply Super Soft Bathroom Tissue for the Family has yet to arrive.

It continues to be “on the way” from the manufacturer … in China. On a very slow boat, it would seem. All I can say that is waiting two months for Chinese toilet paper, especially if you have none, would clearly demonstrate why it’s not for nothing that we call America “Home of the Brave.”

“How’s that toilet supply holding out?”

“Ran out three weeks ago, but I’ve got 10 rolls coming in from China any day now.”

“What have you been doing in the meantime?”

“Not a big deal, really, as long as ACE doesn’t run out of 400-grit superfine. And I do have a nice finish.”

Just kidding. We did manage to find some elsewhere once everyone else got over the novelty of having 125 rolls tucked away in the hall closet. But now, I’m irritated that I spent $28 on toilet paper that is probably at sea somewhere between Baltimore and the Indian Ocean.

Besides, desperate as I was at the time, I didn’t bother to check the specs on the rolls I ordered until last week.

That’s when I discovered that these weren’t exactly standard width, and would be mostly unusable in the average household, unless you happened to be on the small side, as in living under the stairs or out in the garden with the other gnomes.

Again, I can’t recall the exact measurements, but I’m still fairly certain that, even though I no longer need this product, I will not have wasted my money.

From the looks of it, once it gets here, I’ll have adding machine paper beyond my wildest dreams. In two-ply, at that.

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