The Public Eye

printed 11/01/2019

The switch from Daylight Saving Time to Eastern Standard Time is part of an evil hoax perpetrated by media types who cheerfully advise us, as we roll back the clock an hour before slipping under the covers, that we will get an extra hour of sleep in the morning.

Conversely, they will also tell us that we will lose an hour of sleep in the spring, when we set the clocks ahead.

I’m sure that were it not for the constraints imposed on these people by their publishers and managers that they would happily go on to tell us, despite substantial evidence to the contrary, that the earth really does sit on top four space elephants that are, however improbable as it may sound, themselves mounted on a giant floating turtle.

Besides, this extra hour of sleep business hinges on two assumptions, both of which are suspect.

If this were true, for instance – and most of us probably know that it’s not – this would assume that a cog in the global axis actually jams one time each year to give us a 25-hour day.

According to most scientific authorities, not including those who continue to insist on the existence of space turtles, this does not occur.

Secondly, the implication is that we do not occupy the top rung on the ladder of all creation, as even the lowest of barnyard animals, more or less automatically know when the sun rises and sets, whereas those of us who walk upright apparently require a clock to alert us to this phenomenon.

It all comes down to the conclusion that no one gets up on a Sunday morning until the clock says it is time to do so and that since we apparently do not have the innate ability to awaken on our own, we are at great risk should a power outage arise.

In other words, if such an extended blackout did take place, we might not wake up for weeks, thus jeopardizing not just our jobs, but also our very existence.

On the other hand, this could be what led to the extinction of the Neanderthals, who vanished some 30,000 years ago. Although scientists continue to ponder their mysterious disappearance, the evidence suggests that Neanderthals could not tell time and so overslept until they died.

Modern humans, on the other hand, fashioned certain crude instruments to track the solar cycles and therefore knew what time to get up in the morning.

It is therefore conceivable that some day scientists will discover an ancient cave wall pictograph that says, “Note to self – must do hunting and gathering – set rock to fall on head at 7:30 sharp. Otherwise we’ll starve in sleep and go extinct.”

Besides, it is not as if getting an extra hour of sleep is some sort of gift over which we have no control. Obviously, the people who argue that this is the case, don’t own a recliner.

For those who don’t realize it, we actually have more than just two time categories: Standard Time, Daylight Savings Time and Recliner Time, with the latter having a certain property on weekends that allows for the suspension of time altogether.

I can’t speak to anyone else’s recliner experience, but I do know that mine provides me with many hours of extra sleep no matter what the clock says.

At that point, the only time zone that matters is Zoned Out Time.

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